The Hungover Games

But back to Hangover #1

I was expecting it to be way worse because I drank all day yesterday, wrapping up the evening with appx. 8 beers in a row. Knowing I had to work today, I was FULLY dreading  this morning, so tried to chug as much water as humanly possible before I went to bed. I also ate a lot of mint chocolate chip ice cream. This morning was WAY less terrible than what I was expecting, but I was also probably still drunk. I also didn’t have to be at work til 11, but that’s still basically the hangover crack of dawn. I did manage to function all day, even though my head hurt, I’m supes sore, and I just craved electrolytes and felt like a shithouse. But like a minor shithouse, so that was at least a refreshing change of pace. I also drank a ton of water all day. And ate dill pickle flavored chips, so that was delicious. And pickle juice is supposed to help hangovers! So, all in all, I’d rate my hangover a 2 for the day. And I think it woulda been a lot worse if I hadn’t been so water-conscious.  GO WATER.

In Short

HANGOVER RATING SCALE

0- You’re not hungover. Get outta here!!

1- Mild. Annoying and nagging pain but can be ignored. Tolerable. Pain does not prevent any activities. A little preoccupied.

2- Discomforting. Uncomfortable, troublesome pain. Nauseating, grueling, numbing. Tolerable but pain interferes with some activities and tasks. Fragmented responses. 

3- Distressing. Miserable, gnawing, agonizing pain. Intolerable but pain does not prevent use of telephone, TV viewing, or reading. Interferes with concentration. Incomplete responses. Mild whimpering, groaning, crying. Mild frowning, grimacing, tenseness. Mild fidgeting, rocking, withdrawal. Mild perspiring and refusal to eat.

4- Intense. Dreadful, horrible, vicious, cramping pain. Interferes with basic needs. Intolerable and pain prevents use of telephone, TV viewing, or reading. No response. Moderate whimpering, groaning, crying. Moderate frowning, grimacing, tenseness. Moderate fidgeting, rocking, withdrawal. Moderate perspiring and refusal to eat. 

5- Excruciating. Worst possible, unbearable, torturing, crushing, tearing pain. Bedrest required. Intolerable and pain prevents verbal communication. Unable to respond to anyone/anything. Severe whimpering, groaning, crying. Severe frowning, grimacing, tenseness. Severe fidgeting, rocking, withdrawal. Severe perspiring and refusal to eat. 

Hangover Rating Scale

While coming up with my list of personal hangover remedies, it occurred to me that I need some way of distinguishing different TYPES of hangovers. It directly correlates to different types of drunk that you were the night before. Because just like there are different levels of drunk (times i go out and drink a lot and dance and have a nice time and MAYBE cry at the end of the night because i love my friends sewww much vs. the times i go out and drink a lot and throw up a tequila shot back into the shotglass at the bar and lose my purse and violently throw myself down the stairs because my friends are the fucking worst for bringing me back home early), there are totally different levels of hangover too (if I’m the most hungover on the hangover scale, there is no way in fresh hell that I would even attempt to have morning sex). I will now attempt to explain those levels.

You know when you go to the doctor and they make you point to a smiley face (more likely a non-smiley face) to explain how much pain you’re in? It’s basically the stupidest, least scientific way to explain how you feel, but whatever, I guess that’s what doctors in America have decided to go with.  Apparently it’s called the “Wong-Baker Facial Grimace Scale,” which is hilarious and awesome.

But I think it’s necessary to expand upon the basic Grimace Scale. So first, I’m gonna throw at you some more detailed versions of the Grimace Scale… mainly for the pain descriptor adjectives, because I love superfluous adjectives.

How dreadful!

Ooooh, color-coded!

Yall, I’m just trying to be really thorough here.

Other types of scales I discovered that are quite questionably related to being hungover but also maybe I’m a genius:

DISTRACTION SCALE-

I definitely feel that my hangover level directly corresponds with my ability to pay attention to other people/ care about anything at all.

DEMENTIA SCALE-

OK, I know that’s depressing but Q1-Q4  and possibly Q5 are total hangover symptoms!! The more hungover, the more severe.

And now we’re just gonna like mash that all together and spread it over a saltine cracker, and that’s our new and improved Hangover Rating Scale.

Hangover #1

Not to be dramatic, but I think my neck is broken.

But before I get to my hangover, I need to explain my highly mathematical hangover rating scale. I’ve been thinking about this for like a week but everytime I went to blog, I thought of something less bloggy to do, and I always went with whatever that thing was.

Project Hungover Games

The fact remains: Despite all of the avocado toasts and Pedialytes in this world, I’m still always hungover. My scientific list of hangover DIY cures take the edge off, but they still require me to stay in bed all day, cradling my own head and watching whatever shitty sitcom comes on Hulu after the latest episode of Pretty Little Liars is over (WHAT.) because I can’t physically lift my finger to click on anything else.

So I have been forced to arrive at a painful conclusion. I CANT KEEP LIVING LIKE THIS!!!  I’m 25, not going to stop drinking anytime soon, but sick of wasting my days away, and about to go back to school where I will have no TIME on earth for being hungover. Not to mention I just started a part-time job where I have to work 9-5 every Saturday. I can’t sacrifice my Friday nights!!!  There’s gotta be a way to go out, drink, have a good time, and still be able to feel and function like a human being the next day. There’s gotta be a way to have it all.

This blog will be an exploration of how to not be hungover. I want to try everything - test every product, try every old wives tale, and record it all here. As god as my witness, ONE DAY I WILL NOT BE HUNGOVER.

Really scientific hangover cures

I know a shit ton about hangovers. That is because I drink pretty (heavily, pretty) often, I get hangovers essentially even more often, and I have really really evil and dark-sided hangovers. It’s like evil pig bats are inside of me trying to escape by scratching out the inside of my eyelids.  I’m sorry, it’s not really like that, but one time I DID have an eye hemorrhage (a bloody eyeball) from barfing so hard!  The day after I drink, it is basically mandated by the US Constitution that I will stay in bed until at least 6 p.m., be revolted by water, and roll around moaning because I’m going to die really soon.  I have tried a lot of things to “cure” my hangovers, both pre, during and post drinking, and literally NOTHING has worked!!!  OK, drinking water in between every drink KIND OF helps but I always forget to do that/ never feel like doing that. In all my experimenting, I have come up with a running list of things I feel help my hangovers post-mortem (they don’t actually. but also, i feel like maybe they do. I mean who knows, just do them.)

1. AVOCADO TOAST: Smear ripe avocado all over desired amounts of toast. Sprinkle with sea salt, drizzle with olive oil, eat

2. MILK: Drink really cold milk in a really tall glass. I don’t know, but I always want to do this when I’m hungover

3. BACON EGGS AND TOAST: Heavy on the bacon. 

4. ELECTROLYTES: Electrolytes forever. This should really be #1 on this list, and also on every list ever. In college when I was hungover, I would just lay in bed, crying and wailing for someone to bring me electrolytes. Orange gatorade preferred.

5. COCONUT WATER: This is just another type of electrolyte but it is my new favorite. I think I read in a magazine that it helps with hangovers and now I literally cannot be hungover without 3 or 4 coconut water bottles strewn all over my bed and corpse. Not because it noticeably helps, but because I read it in a magazine. But it does have electrolytes!!  And potassium!

6. WEED:This is essentially the best hangover cure, except for not really because most of the time if you are really fighting a hangover, it’s because you have to do something where you shouldn’t be hungover. and if you shouldn’t be hungover, most of the time you wouldn’t want to be high. BUT really, who cares. Certainly not me when I’m hungover.

7. PIZZA: With hot sauce and/or srirachi. Something about spiciness, grease, cheese. Once again, I read this “helps” but I don’t know if I trust it and I much prefer bacon and eggs anyways.

8. SALTINES: When I’m vomming or nauseous-hungover, saltines are the only cure. Saltines and orange gatorade are a barfer’s lifesource.

9. PEDIALYTE: Another electrolyte thing, BUT I PROMISE YALL, electrolytes are magical. Don’t they sound magical? Also, pedialyte is for babies, and I always feel like stuff meant for babies is the best (I see you baby shampoo). Pedialyte is super nast if drunken in the original form, a thick syrupy liquid. But if you get the powder packets and just mix it in a bottle of water, it is way better and non-barfy.

10. ADVIL + EXCEDRIN MIGRAINE: The night of, take Ibuprofen with a huge glass of water before you go to sleep. Excedrin Migraine the next morning.

11. MORNING SEX: ENDORPHINS!!! Clearly there will be no exercising when hungover, so this is the best way to get a shot of endorphins. Also it will take your mind off being hungover -unless you have to dismount to go barf in the middle of it, which obviously has happened to me.

12. COMPLAIN ALL DAY: I think in actuality, this is really the only thing that helps my hangovers. I like to say “ME SO HUNGEE,” which I ALSO say when I’m hungry, and everyone hates it equally in both applications, so really I like to think of it as a wildly successful use of the English language.

The Hungover Games

This is a blog about being hungover.